Again, this experience has been rewarding and beautiful. And so different than four years ago. This trip has made me miss and appreciate Ms. Ursula Belden in all the ways I need to keep her in my mind and heart. Her colleagues praise me and I smile thinking that she'd be proud...though I'm sure she's reprimanding me for something, nonetheless. I think I did her proud with this exhibit and she'd be happy with the way I've dealt with the difficulties along the way.
The past months have been trying and I think that's why I feel so strange on this trip. It has been a different experience than my last international excursions, maybe because I spent 2 weeks here last time too? I didn't take advantage of some things I should have and went on some new adventures as well.
Getting back to life will be a test. I'm still not sure what I'm doing, but I have a few steps I have to take. I'm going to give myself a week of recoup, running and socializing to recover before I dive into my future. I think that I will cheer a little on my one year anniversary, cause I feel like I did it right this time. Maybe I felt this way 10 years ago? But now I'm mature enough to notice how it actually feels. And the other night he told me that when I decided I wanted to move, he'd move with me. That speaks more volumes than any "I love you" or "happy anniversary" he could utter. So I'm a little more than a little content alongside my feeling that the rug could get pulled at any second.
Well, on my last night in Prague I struck the exhibit and was asked out on a walk of the Charles Bridge at almost midnight. Now that is it almost 2AM, I have dealt with the people who "protested" our exhibit and said goodbye to new friends, I think I'll say goodnight to Fred & Ginger and climb into bed for a few hours before putting the finishing touches on my luggage to the States.
I want to learn to be less emotionally stunted. Maybe that's not exactly the right wording. Emotionally honest? Active? Present?
Normally, I can talk about my feelings and say what I want, at least where appropriate. Lately, in this situation, I'm too scared to. I know I shouldn't be. There is no reason not to be a confident me, my usual me. It seems instead of being more confident as I grow, I seem to be losing confidence and poise and my ability to speak up and out.
I want to be able to do for me and accomplish things and be who I am. I'm not NOT me. I at least know that. I know I'm true to myself because I'm trying to change my situation and make things better for me because I'm not happy right now.
I can write things. My journal does not lack the feelings I have been feeling in times of need to get them all out. My brain gets turned around and my heart gets some twisted and I'm not sure which direction to go in.
For once as of late I want to feel calm about everything. I don't want to snap or feel like I'm going to cry at the drop or a hat. I don't want to be angry and grumbling. I want things to even out for awhile and I can get settled into a place where things make some sense and I feel at ease.
And this is stuff that I feel like I repeat over and over lately.
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
Such a long day, so tired. I should go to bed, but I'm still sitting here typing and doing other work.
Running is mind over matter. If I don't know how far I've gone, I don't feel the need to stop. A note for the future.
There is internet on this bus.
I am headed north. I have spent the majority of the trip on Black Cat business. And cleaning up my gmail contacts. Because holy crap, that was out of control. So, as soon as I have my list of emails, I can start sending out company announcements!
It's so awesome! For those of you who don't know, I've (we've) finally started the theatre company that we used to talk about 10 years ago. So much work right now, but that's okay. I'm trying to take a load off of Amanda and take over some of the business duties that I'm supposed to have (as business manager). Right now I just want to find stationary and finish up the damn spreadsheets. I am the spreadsheet queen.
Now, off to write some emails to people...telling them about the theatre company.
Then I got so tired.
Insane, crazy emotional talk to follow later.
I'm pretty happy with my build in stamina on the treadmill. I'm pretty sure I did about 2.5 miles in my 30 minutes today, but Amanda stepped on the plug and unplugged the machine. The real test will be getting outside when it warms up.
I have a ton of paperwork to get done for PQ and the new theatre company (www.bctg.org, coming soon). Company meetings, deadlines and inaugural productions soon to come. And my first costume design. Yes, crossing things off that "I'm 30" list (so add costume research to my list...).
And for bed. Because I'm battling the ear ouchies and the throat ouchies and don't have time to get sick until February 27th. And then, only for 3 days.
There is too much to talk about. Maybe too little to say. Things are complicated, yet the way I've been thinking about them is simple.
Tiny, concise, package of Rachelle.
Running and work and last minute asks and traveling and thinking and doing and this and that and the other think that happens and gets done or doesn't.